The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth.
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables.
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

The Manhole

One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen! Seventeen!".

Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it."

Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.

The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder."

So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen! Seventeen!".

The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.

The first man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen! Eighteen!"